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Loving Your Spouse When Your Spouse is Not Loving You
Choosing The Christian Path- 147.5 million Americans claim affiliation with a religious group - 94% of those who claim affiliation are members of .....
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Title: Loving Your Spouse When Your Spouse is Not Loving You
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. E-mail:
mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright: 2004 by Margaret
Paul URL: http://www.innerbonding.com Word Count: 791 Category:
Relationships
LOVING YOUR SPOUSE WHEN YOUR SPOUSE IS NOT LOVING YOU Margaret
Paul, Ph.D.
Marlo and Jack have been married for twelve years and have two
young children. Marlo and Jack each state that they love each
other, yet Marlo does not feel loved by Jack, while Jack states
that he is content with the relationship.
In their relationship system, Marlo tends to be the caretaker,
while Jack is the taker. Marlo often thinks about what would
please Jack, while Jack rarely thinks about what Marlo wants or
Those Other ApostlesAsk yourself as a Christian, who, in all history, would you most envy? Would it be one of the heroes of the Old Testament? ..... feels.
What should Marlo do? Should she leave Jack, even though she
loves him? Should she continue to try to get him to care about
her, which has never worked? These are the questions Marlo had
for me when she had a counseling session with me on the phone.
Marlo was quite surprised when I told her that neither action
was warranted at this time.
Marlo, I said to her, there is a good possibility that the
way Jack treats you is a mirror of how you treat yourself. How
often do you think about what you want or feel?
Not very often. I usually think more about Jack and my kids
than I do about myself. I think its selfish to think about
myself. I want to be loving, not selfish.
Marlo was confused between selfishness and self-responsibility.
Actually, in their relationship, Jack was the selfish one in
expecting Marlo to give herself up to take responsibility for
his feelings and needs. By not caring about her own feelings and
needs, Marlo was training her children to be selfish as well.
They were already learning to blame her for their feelings and
expect her to give herself up for them. As soon as Jack or the
children would get angry or withdraw, Marlo would feel guilty
and responsible and give herself up to do what they wanted.
Marlo would not know whether or not Jack really loved her until
she started to love herself. What if she left him and met
another man? I assured her that the same thing would eventually
happen if she remained a caretaker, because people usually end
up treating us the way we treat ourselves.
So what do I do? asked Marlo. Im so used to taking care of
everyone else. I have no idea how to take care of myself.
Imagine that your feelings and needs are a small child that
youve just adopted. What would you do to help her begin to feel
loved?
Well, I would spend time with her, and listen to her, and hold
her. I would let her know that Im here and not going away. I
would do lots of things to help her feel safe and loved.
Exactly! I stated. This is what you need to start to do for
yourself. Keep imagining that your own feelings are a small
child and you are the parent of this child. You really do know
how to be loving its just that youve never thought about
being loving to yourself. Take all that youve learned about
giving to others and now give some of it to yourself.
Then we moved on to another subject. Marlo, do you have a
source of spiritual guidance you turn to?
Jesus(PBUH) The PhariseeRESPONSE TO PAULINE CHRISTIANITY: - The whole of Christendom is not Popery or Romanized but the ..... Yes, she replied. Im a Christian and I turn to Jesus.
Good, I said. Now you need to start asking Jesus for
information regarding the loving action toward yourself. You do
this by asking a question, such as, Jesus, what would the
loving action be toward myself when Jack is angry with me? or
What is in my highest good when my children are being demanding
or disrespectful toward me? Then imagine what Jesus might say
to you. You might have to make it up for awhile, but after
awhile you will begin to experience that Jesus is actually
answering you. You will begin to experience two-way
communication between you and Jesus. Are you willing to try
this?
Marlo was willing. I cautioned her that Jack and her children
might be upset with her for awhile, because they were used to
her being a caretaker, but that if they really loved her and
wanted her to be happy, they would end up supporting her in
loving herself.
But what if Jack just stays mad? she asked.
Well, then you can decide what is in your highest good. But
until you are loving to yourself, you will not know the truth
about Jack. Most of the people Ive worked with have found that
when they are loving to themselves long enough, their whole
relationship improves. I cant guarantee it, but isnt it worth
a try, rather than just giving up?
Yes, I dont really want to leave Jack. Im excited about this.
I finally have some hope for our relationship!
About the author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of
eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?",
"Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and "Do I Have To Give
Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web site for a FREE Inner
Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
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